Grandpa J

two famous napkin quotes by Grandpa J

"If you want to fight somebody, look at yourself in the mirror and slap yourself silly."

"CIALIS: If you take Cialis and have an erection that lasts more than four hours like the advertisement says... you might be so sore you can't even walk...don't just call your doctor...call 911 immediately and have their emergency vehicle pick up the doctor and rush him to you."

(If you need any other great laughs go to his blog CLICK HERE I promise you won't be disappointed!!) Love you Gramps, you are an amazing man!

EPIC FAILS

YOU FAIL. EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU.

EX LOVERS?

****WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU GOOGLE YOUR EX LOVER????

Other Amusing Questions that i'd like some answers too.... 

1) If love is blind, then why is there lingerie?

2) Why are they called "apartments" if they are all connected?

3) Should you believe a chronic liar if he admits that he is a chronic liar?

4) Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

5) Why is it that dogs love to hang their head out of the car window, but will get mad at you if you blow in their face?

6) If all the world is a stage, where is the audience?

7) If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

8) If pro is the opposite of con, then wouldn't congress be the opposite of progress?

9) If the Pentagon were run by women, would missiles be shaped differently?

10) How do you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic?

11) If your seat can become a floatation device, why can't the airplane become a boat?

12) Isn't a "free gift" redundant?

13) Why do people say it's a nice day in summer but complain it's way too hot?

13) If a Smurf is choking what color does he turn?

14) Many builders refuse to have a 13th floor. Why aren't book publishers afraid to have a Chapter 11?

15) Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

16) Why is a completed building still called a "building" since it's already built?

17) Why sterilize the equipment used to administer a lethal injection?

18) How can there be self-help groups?

19) What was the best thing before they invented sliced bread?

20) Why is that sheep don't shrink when it rains?

21) If a 24 hour convenience store is open 24 hours per day, 365 days per year, why are there locks on the doors?

22) Why does the term "wind up" mean both start and end?

23) If the word for more than one goose is geese, then why aren't groups of moose called meese?

24) Did you know that Evian spelled backwards is naïve?

25) If olive oil comes from smashed olives, how do they make baby oil?

26) If it is true that practice makes perfect, and also true that nobody is perfect, why bother practicing?

27) Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?

28) How do you know if sour cream has expired?

29) Why are there no Preparations A-G?

30) Do caskets come with a lifetime warranty?

31) Why are they called marbles if they are made from glass?

32) Ever notice that people who talk to God are saying prayers, but those that God talks to are crazy?

33) Why do people insist on stating things that "go without saying"?

34) Does the military have any misguided missiles?

35) Are all shifts at the cemetery considered graveyard shifts?

36) Do modern day witches run spell check before they cast their spells?

37) Do mermaids wear algebras?

38) How can there be civil war?

39) Do astronauts with sweaty feet get "missile toe"?

40) If people have nightmares, what do horses call their scary dreams?

41) Do you get to keep the time you save?

42) If time heals all wounds, then explain belly buttons.

43) Why do bars have parking lots if it is illegal to drink and drive?

44) How do they treat people who become addicted to therapy?

45) Why do they call it "rush hour" when the traffic is so slow?

46) If it is illegal to shoot them, why do they call it "tourist season"?

47) Why aren't moustaches called "mouthbrows"?

48) Why does the sun make our hair light and our skin dark?

49) Why does minute rice have to cook for 15 minutes?

50) Why aren't wiseguy and wiseman the same thing?

51) How do you slam revolving doors?

52) If you put food colouring in a potato seed will the potato grow purple?

53) If an orange is orange and called an orange, why is a bannana yellow and not called a yellow?

54) Can animals commit suicide?

HA HA someone please let me know

Ma&Pa

I am not a cheesy person!!! I am not a cheesy person!! I love my mom and dad more than anyone could even know!! They are truly my best friends, and I couldn't have picked two better people to raise me. My dad is always there for me and has given me the life that I would/have dreamed of. Launa Lou has dedicated everything to her children and I wish I could remotely give anything that amazing back to her!! I don't know what I would do without these two! Literally! I love you Lon and Rauna :)

Birthday Sex

   

For Emily,

Ten Life Tips - Helping one Nark at a time. 

1. Never underestimate midgets.
2. Do not look people in the eye in Chicago... Hey "F*CK YOU"

3. When someone says "if you don't...  I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!" It is usually a joke.

4. Dance to Lou Bega, enough said. 

5. Lock your closet.. You never know who is going to get in there.... 

6. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT, YOUNG, SMART WOMAN.
7. Go Bowling on nights of blizzards just to bother Launa.. Oh and write bird telephone wire poems too.

8. Go watch "Pinky the Cat" on YouTube its the second link down... Go now emily. No now. 

9. Cry on your 16th birthday because driving is too big of a responsibility 

10. Embrace your olive skin, because i'm a pasty queen frostine. 

I love you Emily!! I miss you!!! Can't wait for Costa Rica emile!